Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

nice challenge

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.