[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
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Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
For anyone who needs this today
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop