*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
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Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Was it something I said?
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
If you know, you know
My what?
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats