[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
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We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.