[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
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I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it