[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry