[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
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Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Home is where your toilet is.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind