Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.