[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
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Welcome
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I will never stop laughing at this
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
who will stop them
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal