being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
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My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Jesus steals the winter solstice
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.