Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
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Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.