being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
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OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
🤔😂😂
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Are you a cat person or a person person?
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I gave up going to work for lent.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche