Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
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It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
My dress code is business-casualty.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU