{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
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How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Life hack
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.