Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck