[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
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is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung