Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
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vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.