Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
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Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!