being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
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Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.