[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
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God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
me and who
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.