[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
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Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
A new level of troll.