[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
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A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.