[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
You Might Also Like
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
“We will wed,” I threatened
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.