[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
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*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.