Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
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Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.