[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
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FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia