Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
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why I oughta
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom