Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
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Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
watergate? u mean a dam??
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed