Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
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me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
handsome & gretel
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.