Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
You Might Also Like
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Me in tagged photos
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends