Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
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Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*