Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
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Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
My life coach traded me.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A