Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
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” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
No. YOU-buprofen.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.