Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
You Might Also Like
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
Follow me for more parenting hacks
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
lol
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies