Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
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robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
LOL
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that