bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
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So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
The answer is funnier than the question
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?