*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Wikigenius
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Real House Wines.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential