BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
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[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Lmao 🤣
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.