BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
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People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Cat.
no one likes gloating
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.