BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
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You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”
Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
ME: but what?
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
“What do we want?”
“When do we want them?”