BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

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The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.


WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes


If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.


What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?


I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.


And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.


I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.


Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.


am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise


He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.