The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.