BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
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Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking