BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
WHO DID THIS?
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon