Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
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I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I have a new favorite meme page
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
So we got a goldfish…
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is