*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
You Might Also Like
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
the official breakfast of 2021
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.