@TheToddWilliams

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

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@Beamo23

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

@UnfilteredMama

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

@Rollinintheseat

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

@GonzoVice

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

@leviaIIen

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

@JebTheJarhead

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

@badbanana

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

@spark_asis

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

@XplodingUnicorn

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.