Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
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Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.