Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

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Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.


It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**


The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.


God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.


I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair


my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps


I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.


The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.


I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”


Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.