Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
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Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.