Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
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I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground