Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

Duolingo getting serious.

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

Thanks to a fan for this one.

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.