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Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.