Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
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Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night