Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
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her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Yes, but it was never about money
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Isn’t
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
my nickname in college
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.