best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
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“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
FRED: right
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
*offers Batman cough drops*
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.