Best goalkeeper.. 😅
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[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra